I'm designing a game based entirely around elves, where you play elves and do elf like things.
It should be played with a mop, in order to constantly clean up the sarcasm this game will drip everywhere...
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Tuesday 22 February 2011
I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire.....
Beethoven's 7th symphony, 2nd movement.
If I was to go out, i'd want to go out in a slow motion sword fight to that piece of music. I've thought long and hard on the subject of my death for a while... not surprising when you consider how I thought I was to "go" originally. The romantic in me always wanted to go out that way. My flair for the dramatic always preferred the idea of pouring red wine down both barrels of a shotgun before firing it mid-drink. My dramatic side usually wins, which was why I ended up screaming Hamlet at the birds behind the fences in hyde park some months back. But I always come back to Beethoven, it's what I always find myself listening to when i'm pulling my head out of my arse. Mozart's lacrimosa when i'm going in, Beethoven's 7th on the way out. It's been that way since I was 13.
Music is powerful, emotionally nothing can effect you like music can. You can associate yourself with it, it can rise any emotion in you, make you ill, make you frantic, make you laugh, make you love, cry, smile, grin and on occasion just plain imagine yourself somewhere else doing something maniacal. Nothing can send you through the extremes of emotion like music can. From hip-hop and dubstep to classical and opera, from hard rock and metal to pop, everyone everywhere has at least one piece of music that causes an emotion in them. To me, I find it quite amazing that it is not used practically in psychological therapy, but then I also find it quite amazing that it hasn't been weaponised somehow...
If I was to go out, i'd want to go out in a slow motion sword fight to that piece of music. I've thought long and hard on the subject of my death for a while... not surprising when you consider how I thought I was to "go" originally. The romantic in me always wanted to go out that way. My flair for the dramatic always preferred the idea of pouring red wine down both barrels of a shotgun before firing it mid-drink. My dramatic side usually wins, which was why I ended up screaming Hamlet at the birds behind the fences in hyde park some months back. But I always come back to Beethoven, it's what I always find myself listening to when i'm pulling my head out of my arse. Mozart's lacrimosa when i'm going in, Beethoven's 7th on the way out. It's been that way since I was 13.
Music is powerful, emotionally nothing can effect you like music can. You can associate yourself with it, it can rise any emotion in you, make you ill, make you frantic, make you laugh, make you love, cry, smile, grin and on occasion just plain imagine yourself somewhere else doing something maniacal. Nothing can send you through the extremes of emotion like music can. From hip-hop and dubstep to classical and opera, from hard rock and metal to pop, everyone everywhere has at least one piece of music that causes an emotion in them. To me, I find it quite amazing that it is not used practically in psychological therapy, but then I also find it quite amazing that it hasn't been weaponised somehow...
Monday 21 February 2011
4pm is a perfectly acceptable time to wake up.
Maybe I should have titled this blog, "The misadventures of a flailing madman running from one percieved danger to an even greater unpercieved danger," or would that have been too long I wonder?
I have been toying with the idea of leaving the country for a while now, to Scandinavia. I've many places to stay and even a job if I want it in Iceland. I was supposed to be going there in March, but turned the offer down due to.... i'm not quite sure. A cross between madness and apathy I guess.
Stability is one of those things you miss when it isn't there, a lot of people may think that they don't have it, but whilst you at least have someone to fall onto emotionally, someone to ground yourself on even if its just through idle conversation, you have stability.
I was, for a while, toying with the idea of doing something for humanity too, joining a cause or somesuch. But there is very little I believe in, Africa? The human body isn't designed for it, so we shouldn't be in it. Science? Run by bureaucrats refusing to pull resources together over minor differences. War? Well, the naval uniform would be nice and I know already I can get in as a sub-lieutenant... This isn't the fourth time i've toyed with the idea after all. But I sure as hell don't believe in anything the navy is being used for at the moment.
I'm going to cut it there for now, something just made me smile.
I have been toying with the idea of leaving the country for a while now, to Scandinavia. I've many places to stay and even a job if I want it in Iceland. I was supposed to be going there in March, but turned the offer down due to.... i'm not quite sure. A cross between madness and apathy I guess.
Stability is one of those things you miss when it isn't there, a lot of people may think that they don't have it, but whilst you at least have someone to fall onto emotionally, someone to ground yourself on even if its just through idle conversation, you have stability.
I was, for a while, toying with the idea of doing something for humanity too, joining a cause or somesuch. But there is very little I believe in, Africa? The human body isn't designed for it, so we shouldn't be in it. Science? Run by bureaucrats refusing to pull resources together over minor differences. War? Well, the naval uniform would be nice and I know already I can get in as a sub-lieutenant... This isn't the fourth time i've toyed with the idea after all. But I sure as hell don't believe in anything the navy is being used for at the moment.
I'm going to cut it there for now, something just made me smile.
Sunday 20 February 2011
Everyone is surprised.
It should be noted that this blog is solely for the purpose of typing what I feel straight from my mind, unedited. I accept no responsibility for what I say, and whereas it can be viewed publicly the moment it is used in argument, it'll be pulled. Expect incoherent sentences and spelling mistakes.
Mum: Are u ok?
Me: I'm ok :)
Not a single word between each other in 10 months and thats all that gets said... and I still managed to lie about it.
Some time back, tho not long ago, I thought I was going to die. Not any time soon but I thought my mind and body were slowly becoming pudding and had the diagnosis to back it up. You'd probably think that sort of thing would instantly open your eyes to the world and make you think "My God! I must live!", turns out it doesn't, it just makes you very depressed, give up all hope and make you feel that everything you've done up to that point is worthless. Then, apparently, i'm not to die and become pudding after all! Great, i'd already given up on life and had it handed back to me for the worst of all reasons. And what a life it was, feeling solely responsible for running the finances and therefore the sound mind of my love into the ground, tho I knew down that it wasn't my fault, hell, most of the fuck ups over the course of the last decade haven't been... but it still doesn't feel like that, just feels like i'm the all-singing all-dancing bastard of the world. A title which i'm pretty sure isn't self-proclaimed anymore.
You know, most of the people I have to blame are completely blameless, do you have ANY idea how frustrating that is? They're almost all because of inerrant personality flaws. Even my own. Especially my own. Dan, damn you man. Brilliant chap, but how can someone so considerate of others be so inconsiderate? Months run on 2 hours sleep a night and my state of mind was.... well, it was pudding. Final nail in the coffin I guess.
Hayley, you're adopted. It's the only explanation. If only you moved in with me the first time or even the second! Couldn't you see I clearly had no fucking clue what I was doing? Over-run by cats, avoiding work, being listless all the time... *sigh* it doesn't matter, again, it's an inherent personality flaw, and not yours, your damn mothers. I knew she had you in a damn headlock and I tried so fucking hard to break that hold, but i'm not the type of person that's very good at practical things! When you did break free tho, I needed you. I really did and as much as I loved you and knew you loved me you weren't there for me. You might have felt that, but you weren't, not in the way I was for you... oddly tho, you WERE there for me in the exact way that I WASNT there for you! Hahaha, maybe thats why things were so stressy, we both felt the other wasn't..... <something>. Maybe not. I knew it was over when the idea of my moving out was deemed to be fantastic... at that point it was as if i had confirmation that i'd lost everything. But, smiley face as ever, what else could I do? Being at home with you was driving you fast to resentment.
A lot of people are focusing on what I do now. Like what i'm doing has some great meaning and effects their own lives so greatly. Fuck you. You should have paid attention before. It's only now that i've pissed you off and done wrong that you've given a shit. If you'd all had paid THAT much attention to me beforehand, i'd not be in this mess.
God this is cathartic.
Mum: Are u ok?
Me: I'm ok :)
Not a single word between each other in 10 months and thats all that gets said... and I still managed to lie about it.
Some time back, tho not long ago, I thought I was going to die. Not any time soon but I thought my mind and body were slowly becoming pudding and had the diagnosis to back it up. You'd probably think that sort of thing would instantly open your eyes to the world and make you think "My God! I must live!", turns out it doesn't, it just makes you very depressed, give up all hope and make you feel that everything you've done up to that point is worthless. Then, apparently, i'm not to die and become pudding after all! Great, i'd already given up on life and had it handed back to me for the worst of all reasons. And what a life it was, feeling solely responsible for running the finances and therefore the sound mind of my love into the ground, tho I knew down that it wasn't my fault, hell, most of the fuck ups over the course of the last decade haven't been... but it still doesn't feel like that, just feels like i'm the all-singing all-dancing bastard of the world. A title which i'm pretty sure isn't self-proclaimed anymore.
You know, most of the people I have to blame are completely blameless, do you have ANY idea how frustrating that is? They're almost all because of inerrant personality flaws. Even my own. Especially my own. Dan, damn you man. Brilliant chap, but how can someone so considerate of others be so inconsiderate? Months run on 2 hours sleep a night and my state of mind was.... well, it was pudding. Final nail in the coffin I guess.
Hayley, you're adopted. It's the only explanation. If only you moved in with me the first time or even the second! Couldn't you see I clearly had no fucking clue what I was doing? Over-run by cats, avoiding work, being listless all the time... *sigh* it doesn't matter, again, it's an inherent personality flaw, and not yours, your damn mothers. I knew she had you in a damn headlock and I tried so fucking hard to break that hold, but i'm not the type of person that's very good at practical things! When you did break free tho, I needed you. I really did and as much as I loved you and knew you loved me you weren't there for me. You might have felt that, but you weren't, not in the way I was for you... oddly tho, you WERE there for me in the exact way that I WASNT there for you! Hahaha, maybe thats why things were so stressy, we both felt the other wasn't..... <something>. Maybe not. I knew it was over when the idea of my moving out was deemed to be fantastic... at that point it was as if i had confirmation that i'd lost everything. But, smiley face as ever, what else could I do? Being at home with you was driving you fast to resentment.
A lot of people are focusing on what I do now. Like what i'm doing has some great meaning and effects their own lives so greatly. Fuck you. You should have paid attention before. It's only now that i've pissed you off and done wrong that you've given a shit. If you'd all had paid THAT much attention to me beforehand, i'd not be in this mess.
God this is cathartic.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)