Well, I felt I had to put it -somewhere-

I had a dream last night, that I was sitting in the most out of place room I could find desperately hoping that no-one would find me or think to try, with a sensation of fear and panic in me convinced anything could go wrong at a moments notice and certain beyond all reason that I was in danger. I remember that I just wanted to get on and finish reading a book, but I couldn't for fear of my life. I woke up still feeling that sensation and feeling so horrible, so scared that I wanted to cry. It was very shortly afterwards I realised it was because I hadn't felt that since I left Stoke, where I felt it so constantly I had gotten used to it.

Lent.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12657101

Ok, now i'm not a burgler, and i'm no vandal nor.... no wait, thats not right. I'm no catholic, but the idea behind Lent always seemed to me like a good one, even down to its core. Giving shit up as a test of will is a good thing, and hell, sometimes its just good to get the crap you consume out of the system for whatever reason.

But this wound me up on the second paragraph. Where it said "Give up meat on Fridays" as self sacrifice or abstinence. Are you shitting me? I give up meat of Fridays by accident! That isn't a goddamn self sacrifice, and doesn't even brush abstinence! Give up freaking meat on every day OTHER than Friday and you've got it right there. But what the hell?!? That's nothing!

I'm giving up cola. Because i've been living off fizzy drinks. Just because I feel like it, and partly out of spite for this article.

2 years since I lost my belief in monotheism.

Today marks two years since the death of my uncle. Poor bastard had just turned 40. He was more of a brother/father/uncle/mate, but hell if I ever have something in my life that ISNT convoluted somehow...

Last year was easy to deal with, I never really mourned him. Instead I just seemed to break my own personality somehow over it. I also had an awful lot on my mind preoccupying me and managed to get through it with relatively little dwelling.

This year has hit me like a lemon wrapped brick... I'm filling up with tears, which I never really did before and the world has this "zoomed out" effect about it.

I need to bury myself in video games before I start thinking about it, and all the implications it has had on me.

Cosplay.

It hit me, that the only way i'm going to start going to cons again is if i'm going to be in costume. And I mean a pretty damn good one. Given that i've mysteriously acquired drive to work out. (I've a natural rugby player build, i'm sick of looking like Dilbert if it isn't going to take much effort to move my gut across my body a bit. The weight i've lost this year is also good motivation.) I guess being in the situation i'm in helps, doing a lot of bugger all leaves you with enough desperation to kill time to do such things. I wouldn't join a gym tho, don't believe in them. You can do anything at home, it just takes more effort... and isn't that sort of the point?

So i've decided that my return to con going shall be as this man:

The Comedian. I've always liked the character, and the recent Watchmen movie portrays him pretty much bang on. Obviously i'll "Brit up" his shoulders a bit. Tho anyone who knows me can see it's not going to be a con in the near future! But still. It's a goal.

Elfwank: The Mary Sue-ing

I'm designing a game based entirely around elves, where you play elves and do elf like things.

It should be played with a mop, in order to constantly clean up the sarcasm this game will drip everywhere...

I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire.....

Beethoven's 7th symphony, 2nd movement.

If I was to go out, i'd want to go out in a slow motion sword fight to that piece of music. I've thought long and hard on the subject of my death for a while... not surprising when you consider how I thought I was to "go" originally. The romantic in me always wanted to go out that way. My flair for the dramatic always preferred the idea of pouring red wine down both barrels of a shotgun before firing it mid-drink. My dramatic side usually wins, which was why I ended up screaming Hamlet at the birds behind the fences in hyde park some months back. But I always come back to Beethoven, it's what I always find myself listening to when i'm pulling my head out of my arse. Mozart's lacrimosa when i'm going in, Beethoven's 7th on the way out. It's been that way since I was 13.

Music is powerful, emotionally nothing can effect you like music can. You can associate yourself with it, it can rise any emotion in you, make you ill, make you frantic, make you laugh, make you love, cry, smile, grin and on occasion just plain imagine yourself somewhere else doing something maniacal. Nothing can send you through the extremes of emotion like music can. From hip-hop and dubstep to classical and opera, from hard rock and metal to pop, everyone everywhere has at least one piece of music that causes an emotion in them. To me, I find it quite amazing that it is not used practically in psychological therapy, but then I also find it quite amazing that it hasn't been weaponised somehow...

Interesting.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/feb/15/forced-sterilisation-mother-court-plea