It should be noted that this blog is solely for the purpose of typing what I feel straight from my mind, unedited. I accept no responsibility for what I say, and whereas it can be viewed publicly the moment it is used in argument, it'll be pulled. Expect incoherent sentences and spelling mistakes.
Mum: Are u ok?
Me: I'm ok :)
Not a single word between each other in 10 months and thats all that gets said... and I still managed to lie about it.
Some time back, tho not long ago, I thought I was going to die. Not any time soon but I thought my mind and body were slowly becoming pudding and had the diagnosis to back it up. You'd probably think that sort of thing would instantly open your eyes to the world and make you think "My God! I must live!", turns out it doesn't, it just makes you very depressed, give up all hope and make you feel that everything you've done up to that point is worthless. Then, apparently, i'm not to die and become pudding after all! Great, i'd already given up on life and had it handed back to me for the worst of all reasons. And what a life it was, feeling solely responsible for running the finances and therefore the sound mind of my love into the ground, tho I knew down that it wasn't my fault, hell, most of the fuck ups over the course of the last decade haven't been... but it still doesn't feel like that, just feels like i'm the all-singing all-dancing bastard of the world. A title which i'm pretty sure isn't self-proclaimed anymore.
You know, most of the people I have to blame are completely blameless, do you have ANY idea how frustrating that is? They're almost all because of inerrant personality flaws. Even my own. Especially my own. Dan, damn you man. Brilliant chap, but how can someone so considerate of others be so inconsiderate? Months run on 2 hours sleep a night and my state of mind was.... well, it was pudding. Final nail in the coffin I guess.
Hayley, you're adopted. It's the only explanation. If only you moved in with me the first time or even the second! Couldn't you see I clearly had no fucking clue what I was doing? Over-run by cats, avoiding work, being listless all the time... *sigh* it doesn't matter, again, it's an inherent personality flaw, and not yours, your damn mothers. I knew she had you in a damn headlock and I tried so fucking hard to break that hold, but i'm not the type of person that's very good at practical things! When you did break free tho, I needed you. I really did and as much as I loved you and knew you loved me you weren't there for me. You might have felt that, but you weren't, not in the way I was for you... oddly tho, you WERE there for me in the exact way that I WASNT there for you! Hahaha, maybe thats why things were so stressy, we both felt the other wasn't..... <something>. Maybe not. I knew it was over when the idea of my moving out was deemed to be fantastic... at that point it was as if i had confirmation that i'd lost everything. But, smiley face as ever, what else could I do? Being at home with you was driving you fast to resentment.
A lot of people are focusing on what I do now. Like what i'm doing has some great meaning and effects their own lives so greatly. Fuck you. You should have paid attention before. It's only now that i've pissed you off and done wrong that you've given a shit. If you'd all had paid THAT much attention to me beforehand, i'd not be in this mess.
God this is cathartic.
